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I graduated in April. It felt glorious for about three days and then I had two of the least productive weeks of my entire life. And depressing. It was a rather nasty cycle because I truly could not figure out what was going on. I was done and should be happy. I had a little time to be a mom and that should be even happier. But I sat and looked at my house that seemed to be barely holding together at the seams and didn't know where to start. I was happy my laptop was sitting unused in its bag, but at the same time, I had an insatiable urge to pull it out and start researching something, outlining something, writing something. I should have slept well, but nights were interrupted with miniature panic attacks--I was sure I had forgotten to do something. But the missed task always eluded me.

Now I am working as a clerk for a firm, working to help a professor rewrite his casebook, and struggling to prepare for the bar (wow is that ever going to be miserable) and suddenly all is right with the world again. I am making bowls of cereal for dinner and the kids are missing homework assignments but I feel much better. Are you catching the problem here? I have been conditioned to not enjoy life unless it is too overwhelming, too much to get done. Where has my ability to enjoy gone, I wonder? How was it so quickly replaced with the ball of nerves that has taken its place. Maybe it is just my anxiety over still not having a job. That's possible. Because we have five little girls to feed and clothe and a house payment. And in a few short months I will have a good-sized loan payment to make. So, I am working on relaxing, breathing, and trusting God that He will show a way. And trying (unsuccessfully) to be patient.

This is part of my self-imposed therapy. I will write my blog again. I will record the things that my girls are doing and saying before it all disappears and I have nothing left but home movies that are almost too painful to watch.

Warning: I've done this with journals--made a quasi commitment--and it never really has worked. We will see...